“Let all bitterness, and wrath and anger and clamor and evil
speaking be put away from you with all malice. And be ye kind one to another,
tenderhearted and forgiving one another, even as God for Chris’s sake hath
forgiven you.” –Ephesians 4:31-32
This verse
has been quoted over and over again. But I have to say that the meaning of it
has never really sunk in until just a couple of days ago. About a year or so
ago, I visited the book store at my church and picked up a book by Ken Sande,
called “The Peacemaker.” Its main premise is about solving every day conflict
in a biblical manner. I started to read it as soon as I got it home, and was
blown away by the truths in its pages. I unfortunately was never able to
finish. When I was packing to leave for South Africa, I decided out of nowhere
to take this book along with me. I picked up where I left off and began to read
it again. The Lord had a sovereign plan for me to take this book along, because
one of the last chapters was on Forgiveness. This past week as I have been
reading through that chapter the Lord has been convicting of ways that I have
provided empty forgiveness and have not practiced Eph 4:32 which states to
forgive as Christ has forgiven you. What is empty forgiveness? you might ask.
That may be a completely new concept to you. This chapter changed my mind set
on forgiveness. It starts with introducing us to a couple in counseling. The
husband is telling the listener that he has forgiven his wife for her adultery
but believes he would never be close to her ever again. Though she has repented
of this sin and longs to restore their relationship he says he will never be
close to her again. Some of us may be very familiar with this pain. Someone we
trusted took advantage of us, or lied to us, or hurt us deeply. How many times
have I, though they have repented, been guilty of saying the same thing. Well
back to the story lol. The Counselor then looks at the husband and says, “How
would you feel if Christ looked at you and said I forgive you son, but will
never be close to you again”. The Husband replied that he wouldn’t feel like he
was forgiven of that sin. The Consoler then continued to show the Husband,
that, that was exactly what he had been doing to his wife. The Story goes on to
finish with them working their problems out and restoring their marriage. The
point of the story was, how many times do I provide an empty forgiveness? Is that really forgiving them?
I don’t know
about you but that opened me up to so many questions!! I was slightly confused
and curious so I continued to read. I wish I could just put the whole chapter
up and say HERE read!!!! Lol but I can’t so I want to try to summarize the
points that stood out to me.
1. I cannot
truly forgive others on my own.
My flesh longs to hold on to the hurt done to me. I long to
not forgive the way Christ forgives. His forgiveness is a supernatural thing
and so I must daily ask for him to help me forgive those who have hurt me in
the way that He forgives my sin daily. I can fake forgiveness as much as I
like, I can try to forget the hurt, I can even be nice to the person who has
hurt me, BUT unless my heart is changed by my Savior I cannot truly forgive someone
the way he has forgiven me.
2. Forgiveness
is NOT a feeling….
WOW! Hah I was wrong. It isn’t something that we feel like
doing. Or we feel like we did. I shouldn’t forgive because I feel like
forgiving. The author describes it as “An act of the will” (pg.206)
3. Forgiveness
is NOT forgetting….
Most people love the saying "forgive and forget". And
though I love the sentiment that the saying provides it isn’t an accurate
description of what forgiveness is. Ken says this “Forgetting is a passive
process in which a matter fades from memory merely with the passing of time.
Forgiving is an active process; it involves a conscious choice and deliberate
course of action.” (pg206) When the
Bible says that God remembers our sins no more He doesn’t mean that he forgets
our sin. No the Lord choices to Remember our sins no more... He actively says I
have covered that sin and so he promises that he will not remember But when we
practice true forgiveness the blessing is that we often do start to forget that
sin, but it is only because we have actively pursued not thinking, dwelling, or
recounting that sin.
Still with me?? I know it’s a lot, and it took me some time
to sort through it all, but I have been so blessed that I hope this will help someone
=)
Ok we continue on…
4. Forgiveness
is NOT excusing……
When I forgive someone I am not telling them that what they
have done is ok. Just by the fact that I need to give forgiveness means that a wrong
has been committed and that it was inexcusable.
5. Forgiveness
means to let go or release….
Depending on how hurtful the offense was my will to forgive
can depend. When someone I trusted hurt me deeply I struggled with forgiveness.
Our sinful attitude towards this is to respond by either “withholding
forgiveness, by dwelling on the wrong, by being cold and aloof, by giving up on
the relationship, by inflicting emotional pain, by gossiping, by lashing back
or by seeking revenge against the one who hurt you” (pg207) I know I am guilty
of all of these and not only has it affected my relationships but it has affected
my relationship with my Savior.
The book creates four promises that Forgiveness stands for.
1. I will not
dwell on this incident
2. I will not
bring up this incident again and use it against you
3. I will not
talk to others about this incident
4. I will not
let this incident stand between us or hinder our relationship
One of the last things that really stood out to me was the
fact that Forgiveness is in two parts. There is an attitude of forgiveness and
then a granting of forgiveness. When the person that hurt you is unrepentant I cannot
grant them forgiveness... I can live in an attitude of forgiveness. This is my
commitment to God to forgive them for what they have done. Once a person is
repentant it is our job to forgive them, the way Christ has forgiven me.
Whoooo that was long and I have only scratched the surface of
it. During this past week, the Lord has brought to light two situations in my
life where I have provided empty forgiveness. I have let the pain and the hurt
stay. I would not say that I am angry or bitter, but though I have said that I
forgive I am guilty of not fully forgiving them. For the first situation, the
person is unrepentant, and that means that I can live in an attitude of
forgiveness but until they repent, I will never be able to grant it to them.
But sinner as I am I have not even granted them that. In the second situation,
I have been foolish and though this person has repented and I have said I
forgive them, I put a wall up in my heart towards them. Scared to be vulnerable
and refusing to let go some of the hurtful things said to me. My heart holds on
and though my mouth has said I forgive you it has been empty. I guess I share
all of this with you because I want to confess my sin of un forgiveness to my
brothers and sisters in Christ. The Lord has changed my heart over this past
week. I can now live in an attitude of
forgiveness towards the unrepentant person, and I am striving to fully forgive
the other party. The only thing that can help me is to remember that this is
only achieved through Christ’s help; and when I think of the debt he paid for
me... How can I now withhold forgiveness when I have been forgiven of so much
and been called a daughter in Christ.
As I was walking this week an old song popped up on my ipod.
It was Misguided Ghosts by Paramore. Though this song has always been my
favorite song, How amazing is it that we have our Savior to Guide us. I know I
am not walking around in this world with no direction. He has forgiven us and
restores our relationship.Don’t my fellow believers deserve that forgiveness
from me too? I pray that this is my
prayer and will be yours as well:
“God, I cannot forgive him (her) in my own strength. In fact,
I do not want to forgive him at least until he/she has suffered for what they
did to me. He/She does not deserve to get off easy. Everything in me wants to
hold it against him/her and keep a high wall between us so he/she can never
hurt me again. But you Word warns me that un forgiveness will eat away at my
soul and build a wall between you and me. More importantly you have shown me
that you made the supreme sacrifice giving up your own Son in order to forgive
me... Lord please help me to WANT to forgive. Please change my heart and soften
it so that I no longer want to hold this against him/her. Change me so that I
can forgive and love him/her the way you have forgiven me and loved me” (pg205)
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